Return of the Killer Tomatoes - Dir. John DeBello - 1988

Oh hey there Daniel Schaub. You continuing on your epic ass quest to watch the Killer Tomatoes? Well, good for you. What did you think?:

Damn you “Return of The Killer Tomatoes” and John De Bello, damn you to hell for making trash films so much fun to watch again. Wait, isn't that why I started watching trash films in the first place? What? Damn you for not being bad, so my film review can't be scathing and filled with the fiery teenage angst of a thousand emo bands! Damn you! Damn you! Fuck! Also, my friend went to ZombieCon and didn't even get me Joe Pilato's, the guy who screams “Choke on 'um” in “Day of The Dead”, autograph, so screw him!

Alright, I would like to apologize for this needless tirade but I'm not going to. Hey, just because I said I would like to apologize doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it. Truthfully I have to give a lot of props to “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” for it's ability to be too lovable to berate: like a panda, you can't really yell at it for being lazy when that it's primary source of being so damn cute. Conversely, “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” is pretty damn trashy but that is what makes it so funny.

“Return” picks up 25 years after the events of the first film, now referred to as The Great Tomato War, and the world is very different. Tomatoes have been outlawed and pizza companies have had to become very creative with the toppings that they add to their pizza. (I look forward to the day I can order order a peanut butter, marshmallow, and anchovy pizza.) All is not what it seems though, Dr. Gangreen (John Astin, father of Sean “Samwise” Astin) has perfected a technology to transform tomatoes into human clones and his prize creation is Tara (Karen M. Waldron), a tomato/human (or a humato, that isn't in the film, I just made it up) with a penchant for cooking, cleaning, and sex: the 1950's ideal American housewife. Pizza delivery boy Chad (Anthony Starke, no not the Marvel character) has fallen for Tara and it's up to Chad and his roommate Matt (a mulletfied George Clooney!) to rescue Tara from her tyrannical creator.

“Return” is a lot easier to follow than “Attack” which makes a lot of sense (haha, that was a pun, I guess). “Attack” was a parody of the 50's B-monster movies which were always chaotic and hard to follow, watch “The Flying Mantis” and you will agree. “Return”, being set in the 80's, parodies the popular films of the time (“Rambo”, “ET” and slasher films) and these films were always much easier to understand because writers found out that people like stories, or stories that make sense. The thing is “Return” is a combination of too many 80's films while retaining a few 50's throwbacks, like the mad scientist, and none of the other films being parodied are given their due diligence. The whole “ET”/”Gremlins”-esque subplot with a fuzzy tomato, FT, who is endearingly cute isn't funny and only pays off in a minor way. Not to mention that the observations they are making on other films aren't all that scathing, they have plenty of chances to skewer other but they never really delve deep enough to make it that funny. Also there are some random situations thrown in for good measure, like a fight between cowboys and ninjas, and even though it makes you laugh, it is so out of place that it isn't that funny. Being random always isn't that funny, so get your shit together “Family Guy”.

That said, the jokes that are there, even if they are skin-deep, are pretty funny and the movie has the insight to make fun of itself. It is very rare for a movie to make fun of itself and be successful, “Behind The Mask: Rise of Leslie Vernon” is a good example of insightful humor done, but even that makes more insights on the slasher genre than itself. “Return”'s numerous jokes on product placement are all quite funny and some of the best jokes. Also the idea of tomatoes being transformed into humans through the power of music is pretty funny, especially when they need to keep putting quarters into the jukebox.

Another great asset that this film has is also the best asset that the first film had. The actors are willing to make big asses of themselves, even George Clooney. But Mr. Clooney doesn't get the honor of biggest ass, that honor actually goes to Steve Lundquist who plays Gangreen's assistant Igor. Igor has the undying wish to become a news reporter which seems like a lame joke, but Lundquist is so obsessive about his wish, he interviews his teddy bear in his mirror dressed up like television, that it could almost be considered cute. But it is hilarious. It's such a shame that he loses that aspect of his character in further installments of the series... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Also, there are no musical numbers per say in the film but there are number of songs that play in the background and the lyrics are pretty funny. But I would have loved to have seen the humatos do a line dance while they're all dressed as Rambo, oh well.

Oh, and remember how I said that Gangreen turns tomatoes into humans, yeah... That's the biggest failure of the film, the reason I would watch a movie about to killer tomatoes is to see... killer tomatoes. It might have seemed redundant to have the tomatoes reappear and eliminate the sub-plot about humatos, but there isn't even one scene with humans being murdered by vegetables. In fact, the only sentient tomato that remains a tomato for the entire film is FT... snooze.

Whatever, “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” is funny and looks a hell of a lot better than the first film, but it fails to entertain as much. That said, I would highly recommend watching it if you enjoyed the first film like I did, but be warned that you won't see any killer tomatoes.