Critters - Dir. Stephen Herek - 1986

REVIEWER: Daniel Schaub

If you have fond memories of the first “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles” film, like I do, then you'll remember that shortly before the audience is first introduced to Casey Jones, Raphael ditches meditation in favor of going to see a movie. That film was “Critters” and, in angry New Yorker style, he exclaims “Ugh, where do they come up with this stuff?” Keep in mind that “TMNT” is rated PG so his opinion couldn't be expressed in “true” angry New Yorker style, but you get the point.

Where “do” they come up with this stuff? “Critters” is a strange hodge-podge conglomeration of dozens of films made before it: gleaning sci-fi elements from “Star Wars”, the sharp kid who no one pays attention to from “E.T.” and “Gremlins”, unstoppable forces from a distant time/place like “The Terminator” who destroy everything in their path, trying to emulate the suspense of “Nightmare on Elm Street”... Frankly the list could go on and on, but that would be boring. Let's move on shall we?

The film opens deep in space, at an intergalactic prison, which resembles a well-lit set from the 1970's “Doctor Who”. If only the prison warden had been rocking the seven foot scarf.... The mysterious creatures known as Crites are being transported to a new prison when they mastermind their escape. Keep in mind the word mastermind as it will come up again later. The prison warden hires two bounty hunters to track the Crites down and destroy them. These bounty hunters are blessed with the ability to shape-shift but before they do we are blessed with the sight of their natural features, resembling an illuminated lava lamp and you can't distinguish one from the other. How do they pick up women on their planet if there is no identify marks? Anyway...

We then go to Earth; Kansas actually because everyone knows that shit like this only happens in the middle of nowhere, which makes me glad that when the alien invasion does come that I don't live in Iowa anymore. So, we meet the Brown family, Pappa Jay, Momma Helen, Floozie Sister April, and royal pain in the ass son Brad. Honestly, if you wanted the kid to stop being a God-damn nuisance you should just hit him. (Also Brad is played by Scott Grimes has gone on to act “Band of Brothers”, “ER”, and the proof that Russell Crowe knows nothing about hockey “Mystery, Alaska”. To name a few.)

All things seem quiet on the Western front until the Crites arrive and start eating. The first moment we see the Crites is a complete shocker seeing as how the Crites are actually balls of fluff and teeth that appears to be something a mountain lion might cough up after grooming itself. The Crites, and make-up effects, are courtesy of the notorious Chiodos brothers (No, not the band Chiodos) who are responsible for the truly trashy but lovable “Killer Klowns From Outer Space”. The only thing articulated on the Crites are the mouths which barely open, like Kermit the Frog stitched his mouth closed so he wouldn't have to talk to that bitch Miss Piggy anymore. The Crites eyes stare blankly into space, like me after a few cocktails. And the Crites are dumb, really dumb. They have the ability to shoot paralyzing darts out of their backs but they seem much more content to roll away from danger at high speeds, like an ugly version of Sonic the Hedgehog. Also they stand right in the way of shotgun fire all the time, even though the bounty hunters' gun resembles an Earth firearm. Can't they connect the dots?

So, the bounty hunters come to Earth and start tearing apart the town in search of the Crites. If “Midnight Run” taught us anything, its that the only prerequisites for the job of bounty hunter is the ability to kick ass and trade funny, and sometimes, amoral quips with your co-stars. Certainly, our bounty hunters in “Critters” can kick ass but they must have missed a day in bounty hunter class (which is a shame, considering it should only be two days long according to the prerequisites) because they never have anything interesting to say. Once we've heard them say “We're here for the Crites” and blow some shit up once, why repeat it? They seem more content to destroy the town's two major hangouts, a church and a bowling alley (remember, its the Midwest) rather than doing their fucking job.

Rather than spoil the ending I'll just leave it up to you whether or not you actually want to see the film, but I can assure that it is drenched in goofy happy ending cheese (Why not? It was a staple of the 80's.)

The greatest fault of “Critters” is in the script. Like that month after Christmas when you're trying to find a recipe to use up all the leftovers in one meal, “Critters” is a variety of other movies ground up and put together in a casserole. Borrowing (Stealing) ideas from other movies doesn't have to be such a problem; Quentin Tarantino has built his entire career off of borrowing (stealing) ideas from other movies. (If you've seen “Come Drink With Me” then you've seen “Kill Bill”, but an Asian woman instead of Uma Thurman) The borrowed elements just don't fit together, stealing pieces from a second jig-saw puzzle doesn't mean you'll finish the first one. “Gremlins”, the closest equivalent to this film, knew where and how to juxtapose the humor with the horror, but in this film they don't blend together at all. I was confused as to whether or not I was watching a kid's film or a full-blown horror.

There are some good things in “Critters” though. The Chiodos brothers actually manage a chilling special effect for the shape-shifting bounty hunters. The music is 80's-tastic. Billy Zane appears, WITH HAIR! Stephen Herek is a competent director. (He went on to do “The Mighty Ducks” and “Mr. Holland's Opus”. Richard Dreyfuss, you were robbed.) Watching people get attacked by creatures the size of their head is always hilarious, even if not intentionally.

So in the end, if you can suffer through the abortion of a host of other 80's flicks, then you just might enjoy “Critters”. As for me, I'll be watching “TMNT” for like the 50th time.