I'm very sorry for being so late on my reviews I actually have 4 movies I need to review for you guys and they'll be up shortly. This is the first break I've had for a while. School has gotten pretty crazy and I've been shooting a lot of stuff. So I apologize. The next 4 reviews are:
HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL - 1999
RETURN TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL - 2007
13 GHOSTS - 2001
FEMALE TROUBLE - 1974
Give me like 2 days to do them all.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Killer Tomatoes Eat France - Dir. John DeBello - 1991
Aw, the journey has ended for Daniel Schaub. Here is his last review:
As I come upon the final film in the Killer Tomatoes Franchise, I can't help but be overcome with a plethora of emotions: elation, sadness, joy, fickle, and whole bunch of adjectives that I'm too lazy to pull off of Thesaurus.com. It has been an interesting and bumpy ride through two enjoyable flicks, one really bad one and the last which... wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
“Killer Tomatoes Eat France” takes place in France of all places, why the hell would they actually shoot in the location mentioned in the title? Who delivers what they promise these days... Jesus. Anyway, Dr. Gangreen, with the help of Igor and some killer tomatoes, escapes from the bastille and plans to fulfill an ancient prophesy from Nicodemus that would make Igor the king of France, and somehow make Gangreen ruler of the world by association. Hey, he's a biologist, not a sociologist. Meanwhile, an American by the name of Michael (Marc Price from “Family Ties”) is backpacking through France when he meets a simple country girl, Marie (Angela Visser), who believes she doesn't fit the French ideal of beauty: homely and obese. Oh, those French people.
So, these two plot-lines intersect and Fuzzy Tomato shows up again... have I mentioned how much I hate Fuzzy Tomato? No? Well, let her rip... Fuzzy Tomato is merely an object for young children to latch onto and buy merchandise (which they make a joke about in “Return”) but he serves no purpose (other than Gangreen needing some of FT's tomato juice apparently). FT merely appears to do stupid physical comedy schtick that even the Three Stooges would say is too low, probably the Farrely Brothers would even say that it's too low. He appears way, way too much in this film and infuriates me every time he appears. Although, there was one scene where he started singing an Elton John-esque ballad which was kind of funny but that's only because of the person the song is representing, not because it is being sung by a tomato with hair. Do you ever watch some movie that you loved when you were a kid and your favorite character turns out to be the most annoying fucking one in the entire film (Shortround, anybody?)? Gah, fuck! Go to hell Fuzzy Tomato! You're ruining my childhood memories of the television show! Fuck you and the seedling you spawned from!
Anyway, much like “Strike Back”, “Eat France” is slow to spit out the jokes and a lot of them are inane. As you first start watching it though, your spirits are lifted because of the text jokes conveyed during the opening credits but it slows down... a lot. Some of the jokes have to build up on one another until they finally actually get a laugh. For instance, the character of Michael is trapped in the Basement of Death and is certain to face his demise, as Gangreen points out that Michael dies on page 43 of the script. Not that funny. Then he tells the “bimbo” playing Marie to actually read it. Oh, getting better. Michael thinks the basement is normal since it looks like any normal persons basement or garage. Back to not funny. Oh, the washing machine goes insane, board games are falling off the shelf, an electrical fire accidentally starts. Kind of amusing. Michael tears page 43 out of his script, burns it and walks off set. Getting funnier. Shit, John De Bello is standing behind the set with a sign around his neck reading “Plot Hole This Way”. Haha, success, guffaws all around. As you can see, this becomes tedious as it is necessary for every joke in the movie apparently.
Also returning from “Strike Back” is the fact that the Killer Tomatoes have faces... well, some of them... only five really, but hey at least the eyes are articulated. The Killer Tomatoes with faces do look a lot better in this film and can speak English meaning that we don't have scenes where characters repeat whatever the tomatoes said... well, sometimes, because FT is mentally handicapped and can't actually form cogent English. There are three villainous killer tomatoes, each with a special personality. You would hope that this leads to some nice interplay humor, kind of like the Three Stooges or the Marx brothers but it never materializes which sucks. It's nice that the tomatoes do look good now that they've been given fully functioning faces but I still miss the normal tomatoes who somehow kill people and you're not really sure how. Not to mention that when the tomatoes fight the French army they use tomatoes that are faceless, so why not have consistency? Well, Gangreen says the only way to make supreme killer tomatoes, the ones with faces, is to get FT's tomato juice but he waits until the last minute to ever use it. Whatever.
More or less, “Eat France” is funnier than “Strike Back” mostly because of the jokes at the expense of the French. Did you know that everyone is France has the nickname Frenchy? Still, it pales in comparison to the first two films. It is quite obvious that De Bello and gang were running out of ideas, they should have just rolled the last two films into one and packaged it that way. Oh well, I can't blame him for trying to have fun, even if it wasn't that much fun for me.
Apparently, there is a remake of the first film slated for 2011 which leaves me in a quandary. Even though I would love to see “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” on the big screen with a bunch of friends, who in Hollywood thought that the built in market would be there? Is a remake necessary? I think I actually now why, just stick around for my article on remakes and why they are so popular, coming up next time.
As I come upon the final film in the Killer Tomatoes Franchise, I can't help but be overcome with a plethora of emotions: elation, sadness, joy, fickle, and whole bunch of adjectives that I'm too lazy to pull off of Thesaurus.com. It has been an interesting and bumpy ride through two enjoyable flicks, one really bad one and the last which... wait, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
“Killer Tomatoes Eat France” takes place in France of all places, why the hell would they actually shoot in the location mentioned in the title? Who delivers what they promise these days... Jesus. Anyway, Dr. Gangreen, with the help of Igor and some killer tomatoes, escapes from the bastille and plans to fulfill an ancient prophesy from Nicodemus that would make Igor the king of France, and somehow make Gangreen ruler of the world by association. Hey, he's a biologist, not a sociologist. Meanwhile, an American by the name of Michael (Marc Price from “Family Ties”) is backpacking through France when he meets a simple country girl, Marie (Angela Visser), who believes she doesn't fit the French ideal of beauty: homely and obese. Oh, those French people.
So, these two plot-lines intersect and Fuzzy Tomato shows up again... have I mentioned how much I hate Fuzzy Tomato? No? Well, let her rip... Fuzzy Tomato is merely an object for young children to latch onto and buy merchandise (which they make a joke about in “Return”) but he serves no purpose (other than Gangreen needing some of FT's tomato juice apparently). FT merely appears to do stupid physical comedy schtick that even the Three Stooges would say is too low, probably the Farrely Brothers would even say that it's too low. He appears way, way too much in this film and infuriates me every time he appears. Although, there was one scene where he started singing an Elton John-esque ballad which was kind of funny but that's only because of the person the song is representing, not because it is being sung by a tomato with hair. Do you ever watch some movie that you loved when you were a kid and your favorite character turns out to be the most annoying fucking one in the entire film (Shortround, anybody?)? Gah, fuck! Go to hell Fuzzy Tomato! You're ruining my childhood memories of the television show! Fuck you and the seedling you spawned from!
Anyway, much like “Strike Back”, “Eat France” is slow to spit out the jokes and a lot of them are inane. As you first start watching it though, your spirits are lifted because of the text jokes conveyed during the opening credits but it slows down... a lot. Some of the jokes have to build up on one another until they finally actually get a laugh. For instance, the character of Michael is trapped in the Basement of Death and is certain to face his demise, as Gangreen points out that Michael dies on page 43 of the script. Not that funny. Then he tells the “bimbo” playing Marie to actually read it. Oh, getting better. Michael thinks the basement is normal since it looks like any normal persons basement or garage. Back to not funny. Oh, the washing machine goes insane, board games are falling off the shelf, an electrical fire accidentally starts. Kind of amusing. Michael tears page 43 out of his script, burns it and walks off set. Getting funnier. Shit, John De Bello is standing behind the set with a sign around his neck reading “Plot Hole This Way”. Haha, success, guffaws all around. As you can see, this becomes tedious as it is necessary for every joke in the movie apparently.
Also returning from “Strike Back” is the fact that the Killer Tomatoes have faces... well, some of them... only five really, but hey at least the eyes are articulated. The Killer Tomatoes with faces do look a lot better in this film and can speak English meaning that we don't have scenes where characters repeat whatever the tomatoes said... well, sometimes, because FT is mentally handicapped and can't actually form cogent English. There are three villainous killer tomatoes, each with a special personality. You would hope that this leads to some nice interplay humor, kind of like the Three Stooges or the Marx brothers but it never materializes which sucks. It's nice that the tomatoes do look good now that they've been given fully functioning faces but I still miss the normal tomatoes who somehow kill people and you're not really sure how. Not to mention that when the tomatoes fight the French army they use tomatoes that are faceless, so why not have consistency? Well, Gangreen says the only way to make supreme killer tomatoes, the ones with faces, is to get FT's tomato juice but he waits until the last minute to ever use it. Whatever.
More or less, “Eat France” is funnier than “Strike Back” mostly because of the jokes at the expense of the French. Did you know that everyone is France has the nickname Frenchy? Still, it pales in comparison to the first two films. It is quite obvious that De Bello and gang were running out of ideas, they should have just rolled the last two films into one and packaged it that way. Oh well, I can't blame him for trying to have fun, even if it wasn't that much fun for me.
Apparently, there is a remake of the first film slated for 2011 which leaves me in a quandary. Even though I would love to see “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” on the big screen with a bunch of friends, who in Hollywood thought that the built in market would be there? Is a remake necessary? I think I actually now why, just stick around for my article on remakes and why they are so popular, coming up next time.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Killer Tomatoes Strike Back - Dir. John DeBello - 1990
Ah yes, I can finally be harsh against a Killer Tomatoes. What a joyous day, this should be a lot of fun. After begrudgingly giving props to the first two films it feels good to be a complete prick again.
“Killer Tomatoes Strike Back” takes place several years after the second film, but I'm not really sure when because Finletter (Rock Peace) mentions that he has fought tomatoes for 13 years. Does that include the events of the first film or since the events of the second film? If its only from the second film that would make his character like 80, he moves pretty good for a senior citizen. Not mention Finletter is now a police captain who spends most of time going on various talk-shows like Oprah. But wasn't Finletter originally a super-secret spy in “Attack” and then owned his own pizza shop in “Return”? This guy has had up-and-down career trajectory to say the least. He probably would have been stuck mopping floors if those nasty tomatoes hadn't come along. Moving on...
Dr. Gangreen has been parading as a talk show host named Jeronahew (a thinly veiled stab at Phil Donahue) and plans to brainwash the people of the world shitty tv. (No, this does not mean a “Big Brother” marathon). We only see one instance of Gangreen hosting the show and it had the hints of becoming funny but never really reached any sort of comedic heights. Several more scenes of him hosting the show would have pushed it into a parody territory, but the only parody present is in the fake moniker he has chosen. There's also a tomato researcher named Kennedi Johnson (Crystal Carson) and a police detective by the name of Lance Boyle (Rick Rockwell) who parades around in parachute pants that look like a rainbow barfed all over them. Boyle is a thin layer of Martin Riggs from “Lethal Weapon” wrapped around a gooey center of raging idiot, but not the funny idiot you laugh at when he passes out in the punch bowl; he's the idiot you hate cause he's always says something jack-assish whenever you go over to the punch bowl. In the end, the genius mad scientist turns out to be a dumb-ass and the heroes win, like usual.
But the tomatoes are back! And they have faces and teeth this time! Actually the tomatoes kind of remind from the Krites from “Critters”, God damnitt! Why do all crappy creature effects look the same: mouthes that open only halfway, lifeless eyes, and inarticulate limbs? Why change the formula now anyway? Even though they have more personality with the eyes and teeth, I miss the faceless tomatoes that made you really wonder how in the hell anyone would be killed by a tomato. The tomatoes are used more or less as a distraction from Gangreen's real plan, which means, in the end, they truly serve no purpose. But a bigger question presses on my mind: if Gangreen had perfected the technology to turn tomatoes into humans, why didn't he just do it again? Because it would be boring? Sure, but Gangreen had to know that giving tomatoes eyes and teeth was a step in the opposite direction. Why did he choose tomatoes for his master plan in the first place? Whatever...
You know how I said the jokes in “Return” were only skin deep, well, the jokes in “Strike Back” are more like a windy day: you might feel a chill once in a while but for the most part you don't even notice. The jokes aren't even flying aren't hurricane force speed, there's whole five minute sections of the film that are jokeless, or they had jokes and I wasn't laughing. Either way, bad move. The first two films filled the time with a joke as often as possible so if you didn't laugh at least there was another one close on it's heels. Also, sadly, one of the best jokes is within the first 45 seconds of the film and it never really gets topped. Lame, really, really lame. There is a pretty funny section at the end of the film, during the credits sequence, but if you turn off your DVD player right away you would never know.
The actors aren't making big enough asses of themselves. Rick Rockwell is really trying, but it doesn't work. Even Steve Lundquist, who was so endearing in the second film, isn't that interesting, mostly because the character so obsessed with becoming a tv news reporter has more or less disappeared. For the most part, the actors aren't really giving it their all to make themselves seem like idiots and it really shows.
Originally “Strike Back” was supposed to be released following “Killer Tomatoes Eat France”, they even made mention of the next film taking place in Paris in “Return”. Somewhere along the line De Bello decided to rearrange the order of the films and it really shows. Even though none of the characters don't mention going to France, it feels like a piece of the story is missing and some separation between the evil Gangreen and Finletter had taken place. It seems bizarre as there is no real foundation for this observation but it can be felt. Like you wandered into a story about halfway through and you're trying to pick up the pieces that came before without directly asking what happened, you spend the rest of the conversation missing on particularly interesting bit that makes the whole thing come together.
All in all, “Strike Back” is just boring. It is a lame addition to the series which doesn't bring enough to the party. It isn't chaotic or enough of parody to be lovable. I can't say that I hated “Strike Back” because I didn't hate it, it was just boring and felt like it dragged on way too long. And that's even after the DVD skipped eight minutes. That's a bad sign too, if the DVD doesn't even want to play itself.
“Killer Tomatoes Strike Back” takes place several years after the second film, but I'm not really sure when because Finletter (Rock Peace) mentions that he has fought tomatoes for 13 years. Does that include the events of the first film or since the events of the second film? If its only from the second film that would make his character like 80, he moves pretty good for a senior citizen. Not mention Finletter is now a police captain who spends most of time going on various talk-shows like Oprah. But wasn't Finletter originally a super-secret spy in “Attack” and then owned his own pizza shop in “Return”? This guy has had up-and-down career trajectory to say the least. He probably would have been stuck mopping floors if those nasty tomatoes hadn't come along. Moving on...
Dr. Gangreen has been parading as a talk show host named Jeronahew (a thinly veiled stab at Phil Donahue) and plans to brainwash the people of the world shitty tv. (No, this does not mean a “Big Brother” marathon). We only see one instance of Gangreen hosting the show and it had the hints of becoming funny but never really reached any sort of comedic heights. Several more scenes of him hosting the show would have pushed it into a parody territory, but the only parody present is in the fake moniker he has chosen. There's also a tomato researcher named Kennedi Johnson (Crystal Carson) and a police detective by the name of Lance Boyle (Rick Rockwell) who parades around in parachute pants that look like a rainbow barfed all over them. Boyle is a thin layer of Martin Riggs from “Lethal Weapon” wrapped around a gooey center of raging idiot, but not the funny idiot you laugh at when he passes out in the punch bowl; he's the idiot you hate cause he's always says something jack-assish whenever you go over to the punch bowl. In the end, the genius mad scientist turns out to be a dumb-ass and the heroes win, like usual.
But the tomatoes are back! And they have faces and teeth this time! Actually the tomatoes kind of remind from the Krites from “Critters”, God damnitt! Why do all crappy creature effects look the same: mouthes that open only halfway, lifeless eyes, and inarticulate limbs? Why change the formula now anyway? Even though they have more personality with the eyes and teeth, I miss the faceless tomatoes that made you really wonder how in the hell anyone would be killed by a tomato. The tomatoes are used more or less as a distraction from Gangreen's real plan, which means, in the end, they truly serve no purpose. But a bigger question presses on my mind: if Gangreen had perfected the technology to turn tomatoes into humans, why didn't he just do it again? Because it would be boring? Sure, but Gangreen had to know that giving tomatoes eyes and teeth was a step in the opposite direction. Why did he choose tomatoes for his master plan in the first place? Whatever...
You know how I said the jokes in “Return” were only skin deep, well, the jokes in “Strike Back” are more like a windy day: you might feel a chill once in a while but for the most part you don't even notice. The jokes aren't even flying aren't hurricane force speed, there's whole five minute sections of the film that are jokeless, or they had jokes and I wasn't laughing. Either way, bad move. The first two films filled the time with a joke as often as possible so if you didn't laugh at least there was another one close on it's heels. Also, sadly, one of the best jokes is within the first 45 seconds of the film and it never really gets topped. Lame, really, really lame. There is a pretty funny section at the end of the film, during the credits sequence, but if you turn off your DVD player right away you would never know.
The actors aren't making big enough asses of themselves. Rick Rockwell is really trying, but it doesn't work. Even Steve Lundquist, who was so endearing in the second film, isn't that interesting, mostly because the character so obsessed with becoming a tv news reporter has more or less disappeared. For the most part, the actors aren't really giving it their all to make themselves seem like idiots and it really shows.
Originally “Strike Back” was supposed to be released following “Killer Tomatoes Eat France”, they even made mention of the next film taking place in Paris in “Return”. Somewhere along the line De Bello decided to rearrange the order of the films and it really shows. Even though none of the characters don't mention going to France, it feels like a piece of the story is missing and some separation between the evil Gangreen and Finletter had taken place. It seems bizarre as there is no real foundation for this observation but it can be felt. Like you wandered into a story about halfway through and you're trying to pick up the pieces that came before without directly asking what happened, you spend the rest of the conversation missing on particularly interesting bit that makes the whole thing come together.
All in all, “Strike Back” is just boring. It is a lame addition to the series which doesn't bring enough to the party. It isn't chaotic or enough of parody to be lovable. I can't say that I hated “Strike Back” because I didn't hate it, it was just boring and felt like it dragged on way too long. And that's even after the DVD skipped eight minutes. That's a bad sign too, if the DVD doesn't even want to play itself.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Return of the Killer Tomatoes - Dir. John DeBello - 1988
Oh hey there Daniel Schaub. You continuing on your epic ass quest to watch the Killer Tomatoes? Well, good for you. What did you think?:
Damn you “Return of The Killer Tomatoes” and John De Bello, damn you to hell for making trash films so much fun to watch again. Wait, isn't that why I started watching trash films in the first place? What? Damn you for not being bad, so my film review can't be scathing and filled with the fiery teenage angst of a thousand emo bands! Damn you! Damn you! Fuck! Also, my friend went to ZombieCon and didn't even get me Joe Pilato's, the guy who screams “Choke on 'um” in “Day of The Dead”, autograph, so screw him!
Alright, I would like to apologize for this needless tirade but I'm not going to. Hey, just because I said I would like to apologize doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it. Truthfully I have to give a lot of props to “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” for it's ability to be too lovable to berate: like a panda, you can't really yell at it for being lazy when that it's primary source of being so damn cute. Conversely, “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” is pretty damn trashy but that is what makes it so funny.
“Return” picks up 25 years after the events of the first film, now referred to as The Great Tomato War, and the world is very different. Tomatoes have been outlawed and pizza companies have had to become very creative with the toppings that they add to their pizza. (I look forward to the day I can order order a peanut butter, marshmallow, and anchovy pizza.) All is not what it seems though, Dr. Gangreen (John Astin, father of Sean “Samwise” Astin) has perfected a technology to transform tomatoes into human clones and his prize creation is Tara (Karen M. Waldron), a tomato/human (or a humato, that isn't in the film, I just made it up) with a penchant for cooking, cleaning, and sex: the 1950's ideal American housewife. Pizza delivery boy Chad (Anthony Starke, no not the Marvel character) has fallen for Tara and it's up to Chad and his roommate Matt (a mulletfied George Clooney!) to rescue Tara from her tyrannical creator.
“Return” is a lot easier to follow than “Attack” which makes a lot of sense (haha, that was a pun, I guess). “Attack” was a parody of the 50's B-monster movies which were always chaotic and hard to follow, watch “The Flying Mantis” and you will agree. “Return”, being set in the 80's, parodies the popular films of the time (“Rambo”, “ET” and slasher films) and these films were always much easier to understand because writers found out that people like stories, or stories that make sense. The thing is “Return” is a combination of too many 80's films while retaining a few 50's throwbacks, like the mad scientist, and none of the other films being parodied are given their due diligence. The whole “ET”/”Gremlins”-esque subplot with a fuzzy tomato, FT, who is endearingly cute isn't funny and only pays off in a minor way. Not to mention that the observations they are making on other films aren't all that scathing, they have plenty of chances to skewer other but they never really delve deep enough to make it that funny. Also there are some random situations thrown in for good measure, like a fight between cowboys and ninjas, and even though it makes you laugh, it is so out of place that it isn't that funny. Being random always isn't that funny, so get your shit together “Family Guy”.
That said, the jokes that are there, even if they are skin-deep, are pretty funny and the movie has the insight to make fun of itself. It is very rare for a movie to make fun of itself and be successful, “Behind The Mask: Rise of Leslie Vernon” is a good example of insightful humor done, but even that makes more insights on the slasher genre than itself. “Return”'s numerous jokes on product placement are all quite funny and some of the best jokes. Also the idea of tomatoes being transformed into humans through the power of music is pretty funny, especially when they need to keep putting quarters into the jukebox.
Another great asset that this film has is also the best asset that the first film had. The actors are willing to make big asses of themselves, even George Clooney. But Mr. Clooney doesn't get the honor of biggest ass, that honor actually goes to Steve Lundquist who plays Gangreen's assistant Igor. Igor has the undying wish to become a news reporter which seems like a lame joke, but Lundquist is so obsessive about his wish, he interviews his teddy bear in his mirror dressed up like television, that it could almost be considered cute. But it is hilarious. It's such a shame that he loses that aspect of his character in further installments of the series... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Also, there are no musical numbers per say in the film but there are number of songs that play in the background and the lyrics are pretty funny. But I would have loved to have seen the humatos do a line dance while they're all dressed as Rambo, oh well.
Oh, and remember how I said that Gangreen turns tomatoes into humans, yeah... That's the biggest failure of the film, the reason I would watch a movie about to killer tomatoes is to see... killer tomatoes. It might have seemed redundant to have the tomatoes reappear and eliminate the sub-plot about humatos, but there isn't even one scene with humans being murdered by vegetables. In fact, the only sentient tomato that remains a tomato for the entire film is FT... snooze.
Whatever, “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” is funny and looks a hell of a lot better than the first film, but it fails to entertain as much. That said, I would highly recommend watching it if you enjoyed the first film like I did, but be warned that you won't see any killer tomatoes.
Damn you “Return of The Killer Tomatoes” and John De Bello, damn you to hell for making trash films so much fun to watch again. Wait, isn't that why I started watching trash films in the first place? What? Damn you for not being bad, so my film review can't be scathing and filled with the fiery teenage angst of a thousand emo bands! Damn you! Damn you! Fuck! Also, my friend went to ZombieCon and didn't even get me Joe Pilato's, the guy who screams “Choke on 'um” in “Day of The Dead”, autograph, so screw him!
Alright, I would like to apologize for this needless tirade but I'm not going to. Hey, just because I said I would like to apologize doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it. Truthfully I have to give a lot of props to “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” for it's ability to be too lovable to berate: like a panda, you can't really yell at it for being lazy when that it's primary source of being so damn cute. Conversely, “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” is pretty damn trashy but that is what makes it so funny.
“Return” picks up 25 years after the events of the first film, now referred to as The Great Tomato War, and the world is very different. Tomatoes have been outlawed and pizza companies have had to become very creative with the toppings that they add to their pizza. (I look forward to the day I can order order a peanut butter, marshmallow, and anchovy pizza.) All is not what it seems though, Dr. Gangreen (John Astin, father of Sean “Samwise” Astin) has perfected a technology to transform tomatoes into human clones and his prize creation is Tara (Karen M. Waldron), a tomato/human (or a humato, that isn't in the film, I just made it up) with a penchant for cooking, cleaning, and sex: the 1950's ideal American housewife. Pizza delivery boy Chad (Anthony Starke, no not the Marvel character) has fallen for Tara and it's up to Chad and his roommate Matt (a mulletfied George Clooney!) to rescue Tara from her tyrannical creator.
“Return” is a lot easier to follow than “Attack” which makes a lot of sense (haha, that was a pun, I guess). “Attack” was a parody of the 50's B-monster movies which were always chaotic and hard to follow, watch “The Flying Mantis” and you will agree. “Return”, being set in the 80's, parodies the popular films of the time (“Rambo”, “ET” and slasher films) and these films were always much easier to understand because writers found out that people like stories, or stories that make sense. The thing is “Return” is a combination of too many 80's films while retaining a few 50's throwbacks, like the mad scientist, and none of the other films being parodied are given their due diligence. The whole “ET”/”Gremlins”-esque subplot with a fuzzy tomato, FT, who is endearingly cute isn't funny and only pays off in a minor way. Not to mention that the observations they are making on other films aren't all that scathing, they have plenty of chances to skewer other but they never really delve deep enough to make it that funny. Also there are some random situations thrown in for good measure, like a fight between cowboys and ninjas, and even though it makes you laugh, it is so out of place that it isn't that funny. Being random always isn't that funny, so get your shit together “Family Guy”.
That said, the jokes that are there, even if they are skin-deep, are pretty funny and the movie has the insight to make fun of itself. It is very rare for a movie to make fun of itself and be successful, “Behind The Mask: Rise of Leslie Vernon” is a good example of insightful humor done, but even that makes more insights on the slasher genre than itself. “Return”'s numerous jokes on product placement are all quite funny and some of the best jokes. Also the idea of tomatoes being transformed into humans through the power of music is pretty funny, especially when they need to keep putting quarters into the jukebox.
Another great asset that this film has is also the best asset that the first film had. The actors are willing to make big asses of themselves, even George Clooney. But Mr. Clooney doesn't get the honor of biggest ass, that honor actually goes to Steve Lundquist who plays Gangreen's assistant Igor. Igor has the undying wish to become a news reporter which seems like a lame joke, but Lundquist is so obsessive about his wish, he interviews his teddy bear in his mirror dressed up like television, that it could almost be considered cute. But it is hilarious. It's such a shame that he loses that aspect of his character in further installments of the series... but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Also, there are no musical numbers per say in the film but there are number of songs that play in the background and the lyrics are pretty funny. But I would have loved to have seen the humatos do a line dance while they're all dressed as Rambo, oh well.
Oh, and remember how I said that Gangreen turns tomatoes into humans, yeah... That's the biggest failure of the film, the reason I would watch a movie about to killer tomatoes is to see... killer tomatoes. It might have seemed redundant to have the tomatoes reappear and eliminate the sub-plot about humatos, but there isn't even one scene with humans being murdered by vegetables. In fact, the only sentient tomato that remains a tomato for the entire film is FT... snooze.
Whatever, “Return of the Killer Tomatoes” is funny and looks a hell of a lot better than the first film, but it fails to entertain as much. That said, I would highly recommend watching it if you enjoyed the first film like I did, but be warned that you won't see any killer tomatoes.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Vixen - Dir. Russ Meyer - 1968
This is Russ Meyer film number two and this gets into, what I understand, is the feeling of most of his... films. I'm not sure film really works for this. Basically it is a soft-core porn with a crazy third act. For that reason, I totally love this film. As it is a porn with really great and well thought out characters.
The film is about Vixen. Her husband is gone a lot of the time as he is a charter pilot and she lives in the middle of nowhere. For this reason, she gets a little promiscuous. Promiscuous is the wrong way to put it. Will screw anything that moves, is the right way to put it. One weekend, her husband brings a couple back on a fishing trip and things get "fun." After the weekend concludes though, is when the movie starts getting really crazy.
Erica Palmer is great as Vixen, as tends to be the case with Russ Meyer's female characters. She is sexy, confident and an outright racist. This last part plays into the film throughout. This aspect of her performance is what really makes her all the more attractive because she is not likable at all. She cheats on her husband who remains completely faithful and never even second guesses her. This is played by Garth Pillsbury and he does a respectable job as the good natured husband who rarely thinks anything bad about people. In fact, he makes Vixen more likable in the fact that he isn't racist and is trying to keep her in line at parts. The person who really shines in this film is Niles, the black friend of Vixen's brother. Played by Harrison Page, he is a very likable actor. However, he does seem to be looking out for himself against all the racism that surrounds him. Even when he does things that are dispicable, after all the the abuse he has heaped on him you still like him a little bit.
It is strange to be talking about the acting in this film because for the first forty to fifty minutes, it is a soft core porn. Straight up. Very little plot. Basically Vixen seduces everyone, including the audience. Her introduction is her having sex with a man in the bushes and he isn't taking her clothes off fast enough, which tells us a lot about the character. Not in a perverted way, but all of it is rather erotic including the very effective lesbian scene. Unlike most porn, it makes sence on a human level why these people are having sex as long as you believe that Vixen is a nympho. There is a hilarious part where she seduces a man with a dead fish that is just to die for for you people looking to laugh at a movie. Really funny shit. However, Meyer shoots this like everything. Very low angles with great music blaring so damn is it kinetic. In fact, Meyer makes porn an artform with everything he does. The man has a definite style and it works so damn well that I can't help but love it.
However, the thing that makes me love the movie is none of this. The third act of this film takes this in a totally different direction and it is strange and jarring. It begins with incest which turns brutal. Almost to a game of Vixen's brother torturing her for her racism against his friend Niles and the fact she has tried to sleep with him for a long time. It is very weird to watch this film shift because it is as sudden as the sex in the first part. After this, it takes an extra turn as a communist shows up and convinces Niles to come with him to South America. They convince Vixen and her husband to fly them there. The scene in the plane is tense and a huge statement of anti-racism, pro-patriotism and anti-communism. It is so stark and strange but I love it. I love every minute of it. Truthfully, when it comes it doesn't feel like the film has led to his but at the same time feels like a perfect fit. The violence and the dialog crackles here and all of the actors get their chance to shine.
All in all, this is a very different beast from "Fast Pussycat Kill! Kill!" At the same time, it is just as satisfying and really fun to watch for all different reasons. Russ Meyer waits the entire film to unviel his newest hand and when it hits it is exciting and wild.
The film is about Vixen. Her husband is gone a lot of the time as he is a charter pilot and she lives in the middle of nowhere. For this reason, she gets a little promiscuous. Promiscuous is the wrong way to put it. Will screw anything that moves, is the right way to put it. One weekend, her husband brings a couple back on a fishing trip and things get "fun." After the weekend concludes though, is when the movie starts getting really crazy.
Erica Palmer is great as Vixen, as tends to be the case with Russ Meyer's female characters. She is sexy, confident and an outright racist. This last part plays into the film throughout. This aspect of her performance is what really makes her all the more attractive because she is not likable at all. She cheats on her husband who remains completely faithful and never even second guesses her. This is played by Garth Pillsbury and he does a respectable job as the good natured husband who rarely thinks anything bad about people. In fact, he makes Vixen more likable in the fact that he isn't racist and is trying to keep her in line at parts. The person who really shines in this film is Niles, the black friend of Vixen's brother. Played by Harrison Page, he is a very likable actor. However, he does seem to be looking out for himself against all the racism that surrounds him. Even when he does things that are dispicable, after all the the abuse he has heaped on him you still like him a little bit.
It is strange to be talking about the acting in this film because for the first forty to fifty minutes, it is a soft core porn. Straight up. Very little plot. Basically Vixen seduces everyone, including the audience. Her introduction is her having sex with a man in the bushes and he isn't taking her clothes off fast enough, which tells us a lot about the character. Not in a perverted way, but all of it is rather erotic including the very effective lesbian scene. Unlike most porn, it makes sence on a human level why these people are having sex as long as you believe that Vixen is a nympho. There is a hilarious part where she seduces a man with a dead fish that is just to die for for you people looking to laugh at a movie. Really funny shit. However, Meyer shoots this like everything. Very low angles with great music blaring so damn is it kinetic. In fact, Meyer makes porn an artform with everything he does. The man has a definite style and it works so damn well that I can't help but love it.
However, the thing that makes me love the movie is none of this. The third act of this film takes this in a totally different direction and it is strange and jarring. It begins with incest which turns brutal. Almost to a game of Vixen's brother torturing her for her racism against his friend Niles and the fact she has tried to sleep with him for a long time. It is very weird to watch this film shift because it is as sudden as the sex in the first part. After this, it takes an extra turn as a communist shows up and convinces Niles to come with him to South America. They convince Vixen and her husband to fly them there. The scene in the plane is tense and a huge statement of anti-racism, pro-patriotism and anti-communism. It is so stark and strange but I love it. I love every minute of it. Truthfully, when it comes it doesn't feel like the film has led to his but at the same time feels like a perfect fit. The violence and the dialog crackles here and all of the actors get their chance to shine.
All in all, this is a very different beast from "Fast Pussycat Kill! Kill!" At the same time, it is just as satisfying and really fun to watch for all different reasons. Russ Meyer waits the entire film to unviel his newest hand and when it hits it is exciting and wild.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Attack of the Killer Tomatoes - Dir. Joe DeBello - 1970
Dan seems to be kicking my ass at the review game. So here is another one. This has been a film I really like for a long time. Originally having it on VHS I bought it. Haven't seen the others. Here is Daniel Schaub's review:
Over the next four reviews I have decided to embark on a momentous trash adventure as epic as “Lawrence of Arabia”, as daring as “The Guns of Navarone”, and as bad-ass as “Once Upon a Time in The West”. That's right, I am endeavoring to watch all four of the “Killer Tomato” films. Why? Because I love ya', that's why. Ok, maybe not all you, especially the dick-face in the orange shirt. You know who you are.
The average person would not go out of his/her way to see any of these films, but I hardly qualify as average. (Some would also argue that I also hardly qualify as a person) When I was a child, I remember watching a t.v. show called “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” that was so undeniably goofy that I just had to watch it, there was a certain charm to the overtly bizarre nature of it without falling into anime category. Likewise with the film, upon seeing the trailer, I knew that it was so strange and bizarre that it had to be watched.
The film's story delivers it's title in full, the United States is under attack from killer tomatoes. A lot of other things are going on: the White House press secretary is trying to spin the attack as a good thing, a special agent named Mason Dixon is trying to discover the key to defeating the tomatoes, a reporter named Lois is digging for the truth (and yes, they do a Superman joke) but there is also a Russian female gymnast, a disguise expert who infiltrates the enemy ranks as a tomato, and a bevy of other strange situations and characters. It doesn't make a whole sense and trying to explain it wouldn't help at all because I barely understood it as I watched it. But I do know that I liked it immensely.
How could I like something that is so trashy and hard to understand?
For one, the script is a lot smarter than you would naturally assume. The fault of so many comedy films is that they're one note; they create a character or a situation that is sort of funny but then they overplay that singular element until it is no longer funny, just annoying. “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom” is even guilty of this, Willie Scott and Short Round are both fairly amusing at first but eventually they become so annoying that you wish Indy would squash them in a industrial rock crusher. “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” is smarter than that; it creates enough situations and characters to keep making jokes. An amateur move would have been making the same jokes about killer tomatoes the entire and even though there are plenty of incidents with the tomatoes each situation is so different than the last you can't help but laugh. But the jokes don't stop at that, being a parody of B-movies John De Bello and company let the jokes fly at an “Airplane”-esque pace. Also, the chaotic nature of the plot and the random assortment of character gives it a charm, just like the show. Since it is a parody of the 50's B-monster movie genre, it only makes sense that the plot is anarchic and hard to follow, watch “The Flying Mantis” and you will agree.
Secondly, the actors are so committed to making complete asses of themselves that its hilarious. Finletter, played by Rock Peace, is the perfect example of this ass-ness. The character is huge, more like a character that Groucho Marx would play, and Peace understands this. He makes himself huge to fit the character and I found myself watching him in the background when he wasn't even part of the scene. Just about every other actor is also of worthy note though, the only one who seems at a loss is Mason Dixon but merely because he's playing the straight man to all this silliness. In a sea of strange characters the simple ones stand out like a sore thumb, but they are necessary for the plot to ever move forward.
And thirdly, what movie wouldn't be made better by musical numbers? Honestly, I would have felt a hell of a lot better tapping my toe through “There Will Be Blood”, maybe I wouldn't have fallen asleep then... But then some musicals just honestly are so shockingly awful that you'd wish you weren't toe-tapping, you'd wish you were watching it all. I'm talking to you “Chicago”, you overblown piece of horseshit, and you “Dream Girls” and you “Moulin Rouge!”... I could go on and on, but the point is that musicals are a wonderful escape from the real life when expertly executed, or in “Attack”'s case poorly executed. The songs are just so strange and oddly placed that you aren't expecting them, they is hardly any dancing but it adds to the fact that the movie is made to make fun of B-movies. No self-respecting B-movie, if there is such a thing, would have a musical number and having one just makes you laugh. It honestly makes me want to add musical numbers to every film I write from now on, just for the laughs.
I did like the film a lot but there are some bad things. It is hard to follow and it slows down in the joke department in the last half-hour, but it is well-made horror comedy and I'm a sucker for horror comedies (“Bubba Ho-Tep” was the best film of 2002, that's right, fuck you “A Beautiful Mind”). If you are into horror-comedies too, then you should watch it.
Over the next four reviews I have decided to embark on a momentous trash adventure as epic as “Lawrence of Arabia”, as daring as “The Guns of Navarone”, and as bad-ass as “Once Upon a Time in The West”. That's right, I am endeavoring to watch all four of the “Killer Tomato” films. Why? Because I love ya', that's why. Ok, maybe not all you, especially the dick-face in the orange shirt. You know who you are.
The average person would not go out of his/her way to see any of these films, but I hardly qualify as average. (Some would also argue that I also hardly qualify as a person) When I was a child, I remember watching a t.v. show called “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” that was so undeniably goofy that I just had to watch it, there was a certain charm to the overtly bizarre nature of it without falling into anime category. Likewise with the film, upon seeing the trailer, I knew that it was so strange and bizarre that it had to be watched.
The film's story delivers it's title in full, the United States is under attack from killer tomatoes. A lot of other things are going on: the White House press secretary is trying to spin the attack as a good thing, a special agent named Mason Dixon is trying to discover the key to defeating the tomatoes, a reporter named Lois is digging for the truth (and yes, they do a Superman joke) but there is also a Russian female gymnast, a disguise expert who infiltrates the enemy ranks as a tomato, and a bevy of other strange situations and characters. It doesn't make a whole sense and trying to explain it wouldn't help at all because I barely understood it as I watched it. But I do know that I liked it immensely.
How could I like something that is so trashy and hard to understand?
For one, the script is a lot smarter than you would naturally assume. The fault of so many comedy films is that they're one note; they create a character or a situation that is sort of funny but then they overplay that singular element until it is no longer funny, just annoying. “Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom” is even guilty of this, Willie Scott and Short Round are both fairly amusing at first but eventually they become so annoying that you wish Indy would squash them in a industrial rock crusher. “Attack of the Killer Tomatoes” is smarter than that; it creates enough situations and characters to keep making jokes. An amateur move would have been making the same jokes about killer tomatoes the entire and even though there are plenty of incidents with the tomatoes each situation is so different than the last you can't help but laugh. But the jokes don't stop at that, being a parody of B-movies John De Bello and company let the jokes fly at an “Airplane”-esque pace. Also, the chaotic nature of the plot and the random assortment of character gives it a charm, just like the show. Since it is a parody of the 50's B-monster movie genre, it only makes sense that the plot is anarchic and hard to follow, watch “The Flying Mantis” and you will agree.
Secondly, the actors are so committed to making complete asses of themselves that its hilarious. Finletter, played by Rock Peace, is the perfect example of this ass-ness. The character is huge, more like a character that Groucho Marx would play, and Peace understands this. He makes himself huge to fit the character and I found myself watching him in the background when he wasn't even part of the scene. Just about every other actor is also of worthy note though, the only one who seems at a loss is Mason Dixon but merely because he's playing the straight man to all this silliness. In a sea of strange characters the simple ones stand out like a sore thumb, but they are necessary for the plot to ever move forward.
And thirdly, what movie wouldn't be made better by musical numbers? Honestly, I would have felt a hell of a lot better tapping my toe through “There Will Be Blood”, maybe I wouldn't have fallen asleep then... But then some musicals just honestly are so shockingly awful that you'd wish you weren't toe-tapping, you'd wish you were watching it all. I'm talking to you “Chicago”, you overblown piece of horseshit, and you “Dream Girls” and you “Moulin Rouge!”... I could go on and on, but the point is that musicals are a wonderful escape from the real life when expertly executed, or in “Attack”'s case poorly executed. The songs are just so strange and oddly placed that you aren't expecting them, they is hardly any dancing but it adds to the fact that the movie is made to make fun of B-movies. No self-respecting B-movie, if there is such a thing, would have a musical number and having one just makes you laugh. It honestly makes me want to add musical numbers to every film I write from now on, just for the laughs.
I did like the film a lot but there are some bad things. It is hard to follow and it slows down in the joke department in the last half-hour, but it is well-made horror comedy and I'm a sucker for horror comedies (“Bubba Ho-Tep” was the best film of 2002, that's right, fuck you “A Beautiful Mind”). If you are into horror-comedies too, then you should watch it.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Faster Pussycat Kill! Kill! - Dir. Russ Meyer - 1965
Hello there Mr. Russ Meyer. Welcome to the blog, this is your first appearance but it shall not be your last as one of my goals of this blog is to watch every single one of your films. Including "Pandora Peaks." I shall do it because, god damn it Russ Meyer, you make trash art.
Let us begin by saying that anybody who likes Quentin Tarantino just needs to go back to see this film and realize that Tarantino is trying really, really hard to be Russ Meyer. In fact, all of his films could be taken as a Russ Meyer twist on the genre. Simple as that, Tarantino wishes he was Meyer but he just cannot do it and this is the perfect example.
You want sex? You want to laugh? You want fast car chases? You want danger? Baby, they got it all here. Seriously, I cannot whore this movie out enough. Mainly because it is so hard to find that when you do, it is a real jewel.
Basically we got three bad ass hot chicks, Varla (the leader), Rosie (the sidekick) and Billie (the dumb one). The thing that should be known is that they are all dangerous as the challenge a couple to a race that ends deadly for the guy after they beat the shit out of him. They end up taking his girlfriend to kill her and find money at the house of an old crippled man, a slow strong man and the one sane one of the group.
The plot isn't as important as the mood and dialog. It oozes cool. Not calculated cool but real cool. The cool that only comes from having a low enough plot you can do whatever the hell you want and you just don't give a shit. The cool that comes from literally throwing whatever the hell you want onto the page. This is pure creative control and it is so much better for it.
The acting is somewhat stale but that is no worries as this is the kind of dialog that anyone can say the dialog and sound good. Let me add, Billie is freaking hot and while we never get any nudity in this, the girls infuse the film with so much sex appeal it doesn't matter. Tura Santana plays Varla, who is the deadliest and is the most domineering. She is the typical amazonian woman. However, my favorite was Lori Williams as Billie... mainly because she is bubbly and hot. Haji is Rosie and is a lesbian who is in love with Varla. This is really dirty for the time and man, does she play it well. It isn't explicitally stated until near the end, but it is easy to tell throughout and I give her major props.
Out of all the Russ Meyer films I've seen, this is easily my favorite and has turned out to be his most influential. I can't wait to dive into more. This is just a fun cool breezy ride that speeds by quickly but leaves a lasting imprint and a great smell in the trash bin.
Let us begin by saying that anybody who likes Quentin Tarantino just needs to go back to see this film and realize that Tarantino is trying really, really hard to be Russ Meyer. In fact, all of his films could be taken as a Russ Meyer twist on the genre. Simple as that, Tarantino wishes he was Meyer but he just cannot do it and this is the perfect example.
You want sex? You want to laugh? You want fast car chases? You want danger? Baby, they got it all here. Seriously, I cannot whore this movie out enough. Mainly because it is so hard to find that when you do, it is a real jewel.
Basically we got three bad ass hot chicks, Varla (the leader), Rosie (the sidekick) and Billie (the dumb one). The thing that should be known is that they are all dangerous as the challenge a couple to a race that ends deadly for the guy after they beat the shit out of him. They end up taking his girlfriend to kill her and find money at the house of an old crippled man, a slow strong man and the one sane one of the group.
The plot isn't as important as the mood and dialog. It oozes cool. Not calculated cool but real cool. The cool that only comes from having a low enough plot you can do whatever the hell you want and you just don't give a shit. The cool that comes from literally throwing whatever the hell you want onto the page. This is pure creative control and it is so much better for it.
The acting is somewhat stale but that is no worries as this is the kind of dialog that anyone can say the dialog and sound good. Let me add, Billie is freaking hot and while we never get any nudity in this, the girls infuse the film with so much sex appeal it doesn't matter. Tura Santana plays Varla, who is the deadliest and is the most domineering. She is the typical amazonian woman. However, my favorite was Lori Williams as Billie... mainly because she is bubbly and hot. Haji is Rosie and is a lesbian who is in love with Varla. This is really dirty for the time and man, does she play it well. It isn't explicitally stated until near the end, but it is easy to tell throughout and I give her major props.
Out of all the Russ Meyer films I've seen, this is easily my favorite and has turned out to be his most influential. I can't wait to dive into more. This is just a fun cool breezy ride that speeds by quickly but leaves a lasting imprint and a great smell in the trash bin.
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